Impending Doom!

For some reason, it hit me today, like a tons of bricks. Ryan is getting ready to deploy. I knew it before. Talked about it even, but for some reason today it became so real. Maybe it's because I counted the Saturdays till he goes and we only had nine. Single digit nine. I don't know.... Funny how things just hit you sometimes. And because I've done this before the alone part doesn't seem so scary. I hate it. But it's not the unknown. And I feel at peace that Ryan will be protected and safe while he's gone. But I'm still worried. I mostly worry for my children. This is so hard on them. Layne is at the age where he needs Dad, for boy things. And Ashlynn just adores him. She chooses him for just about everything. She's Daddy's little princess. I'm worries about how she'll take it. Will she remember him? I don't know. I also worry about when it's all done. We're supposed to be going back to civilian life. Can we make it there? We are so used to being apart. I know we can survive apart, it's together that seems strange and almost scary, yet it's what we ultimately desire most. Some of you have probably come to the conclusion that I've lost my mind. Maybe I have. But there are some who have lived this life, and this makes sense, kind of.
Truthfully, I'm scared we'll get what we want too. We want to go back home. Live in our house and be a "normal" family. But we're so used to this life, what if we get what we want and it's not what we wanted?? ARGHGHGHGGH. My brain is going crazy today. This is the part of deployment that I hate. The uncertainty. The what ifs. The feel that your life is on hold for 12 months. I don't like being on hold for 12 minutes. I guess once I tackle this challenge, and learn what is meant to be learned the Lord will allow me to move onto something else. Oh I hope I learn my lesson this time!
~Annie